Our team is the best team

So, uh, heyyy everyone.  Sorry I sort of disappeared back there.  I’ve been alternately wallowing and trying to shake things off.  I have suddenly found myself indefinitely without a *thing*, and that’s been sort of a tough pill to swallow.  People have made some friendly suggestions, but when I find something I’m going to do, I’m going to do it, no holds barred, all in, it’s all I think about.  Look, I don’t claim that it’s a healthy way to live, but it’s a satisfying way to live, and it’s the way I live.  I was prepared for derby to be my thing, and now it’s not, and that really, completely, totally sucks but. Well.  What’s next?

To look on the bright side – besides, of course, not having to come up with a completely original skater name – the situation is making me take a good look at what I already have in my life, and consider what I am and am not getting out of it.  Something I need is physical exercise, so maybe I’ll join the gym or try that bicycling thing again… ugh, neither of those makes my heart flutter like roller derby, but maybe I’ll stop whining and drive up to NH three times a week.  Oh you guys, this is way more whiny that it was supposed to be.

Here’s one thing I realized, though: for the past year, focusing on the wedding has also meant focusing on my relationship with Turtle.  We were so careful to not make things be just about the wedding, and now the wedding is over and suddenly we’re talking less about our marriage.  And I think we need more of the marriage stuff, even though we’re not preparing for some big thing.

Okay, here’s a story for you: this week completely sucked.  On Monday night, I had a stupid blowup meltdown where I had verbal diarrhea and said some hurtful things that, if I had just allowed my brain to join my mouth and hormones in the conversation, could have been said without being hurtful.  The general result of this was that we went to bed way past our bedtime, both in tears, and woke up feeling emotionally bruised and still brittle.  And then the derby thing happened and you know what? My wife appeared to be at my side.  She called into work for me, she showed up with hot cocoa, and she offered to try to beat up the derby girls who cut me, whoever they were (forget the fact that she is very small and derby girls are used to hitting people – my wife is scrappy!).  Not to say that our other stuff is forgotten, but that for better or for worse, we are on each other’s sides.

photo by E. Leonardsmith

I love Team BirdTurtle. Team Birtle. Team Turd.  ❤

Disappointment/Heartbreak

Just got the email that I didn’t make the first round of cuts.

Yay! I don’t have to try to come up with another derby name.

Boo. I’m sort of a heartbroken mess.

Yay! I have… free time? Maybe I’ll find something else that is exciting and wonderful and takes up time and feels good?

Boo. I’m still a heartbroken mess.

Butt Bruises, etc.

Some of you indicated that the quality of this blog (and all wedding-related blogs, really) would be vastly improved by an increase in the number of photos of butt-bruises.  And thus, I bring you the infamous bruise that I got while, ahem, playing roller derby.  By which I mean, the bruise I got while skating in a circle and then falling down.

thumbs up for bruises well earned by doing simple things.

I should add that this beauty is actually much prettier now than it was when Turtle took this picture five days ago.  Not sure how many of you get regular bruises, but they change colors and look really nice 1-2 weeks later.  What I’m trying to say is that roller derby is a very educational sport.

Speaking of roller derby, tryouts were on Sunday, and we’re supposed to hear about the first round of cuts today.  The whole thing is a complicated process that I will try to explain while not boring all of you who have no interest in standing on eight wheels and hitting people.  If you’re interested in how the game works, check out this video:

Anyway, late last week the Top Secret Tryout Location was revealed in an exclusive email, and on Sunday about 70 potential freshmeat showed up for tryouts.  We were numbered, photographed, and warmed up by skating for a few minutes before being divided into four groups.  During the official warmup, we had to do things like balance on one foot at different times, skate *very* low, and go through series of squats and coasting.  After that, we spent time at four different stations: interviews, stopping (where we demonstrated three different stops), learning a new skill, and backward-to-frontward transitions.  After that there was a surprise (uh, yay?) Hell Skate, which was ten solid of minutes of solid skating – not sprinting, exactly, but fast, good form, and did I mention ten solid minutes?  Um, I’m a bit out of shape.

me, in full blurry derby-tryout gear

Anyway, blah blah blah that was all the technical stuff I had to say, and here is the non-technical stuff:

It was kind of awesome, and completely inspiring.  I only really met the people in my group, but I got to skate with everyone during the warm-up and hell skate, and there was an awesome variety of people there.  Clearly a huge age range, some ethnic diversity, and definitely a wide range of skill; the thing that seemed to stand out for everyone, though, was how hard they were trying, how hard they were pushing, and how excited everyone was to be there.  I came home sore and excited, and also pretty stinky.

In the car on the ride home, I got to spend some serious quality time with a friend of mine I talked into trying out (Hi E!), and this is a huge part of the roller derby thing, too.  You guys, you do get to hit people, and that was a huge part of this whole thing when I worked at the rape crisis center; I had a lot of anger I needed to get out, and derby was a safe place to hit people while getting a huge endorphin high.  Since then, it has transitioned into something else: it’s still a place to find some great endorphins, but it’s also a place to meet amazing people and really make connections, whether they’re connections with my shoulder into their side or the connections we make in the car on the way there or on the way home.

Group 4 rocked: thinking of all of you today!

We hear from the league today about the first round of cuts: keep your fingers crossed for me and for everyone else who’s ready to put their heart into this thing.

P.S. Please <a href=”mailto:littlemissroughit@gmail.com”>email me</a> any and all awesome derby name ideas.  I once had two, but they’ve both been stolen from me; they were Rumble Pie (#3.14159) and Little Miss Roughit (#8 legs, and the inspiration for this blog), just to give you a sense of my style.  Grammatical and literary-inspired names are more than welcome.

P.P.S. Someone came up to me at tryouts and asked if I wrote a blog because her friend reads it! Someone I don’t even know!  You guys, I’m famous.  Thanks, Friend of Roller Girl, for making me feel famous.

Lesbians Getting Married: The First

One thing that felt super important for me in all of the wedding planning was seeing other lesbian couples out in WeddingBlogLand.  I’m still not sure exactly why this felt important.  Maybe because it affirmed that I belonged?  I am someone who likes to throw myself into whatever my *thing* is, which means thinking about it a lot, researching it, talking to people about it, and probably way over-analyzing it.  In the case of roller derby, this means watching a lot of derby videos, wearing ankle weights all the time, and doing a lot of visualizing (thanks Dread!).  In the case of getting married, it has meant stepping up my stances on the political aspects of same-sex marriage, reading a lot of blogs, doing a lot of crafts, and being really, really involved in creating our wedding.  More on wedding creation later… now, I want to show you some things.

I found few sites out there that occasionally featured lesbian weddings, and so when it did happen, I would look at the pictures a lot.  Like, really, a lot.  I picked the parts I did like, and the parts I didn’t like, and tried to figure out what I might want to do in my own wedding.  It’s not that I didn’t do this with heterosexual weddings; it just seemed somewhat distant, like a different culture or something.  Anyway, just in case anyone else has been experiencing something similar, I bring you… Lesbians(/Queers) Getting Married.  Click on the image for a link to where they were originally found.

Emily & Ali, from 100 Layer Cake

 

Amber & Karen, from Jenny GG Photography

Amber & Karen again, Jenny GG Photography

 

Mary & Kerry, from 2000 Dollar Wedding

Sarah & Megan, from A Practical Wedding

Holly & Sari, from 100 Layer Cake

I hope that this can be a continuing series.  If you are queer or a lesbian who is getting or got married and are willing to share your pictures, please send them along! If you are someone who just found some awesome photos (and can credit whoever took them), please send those along, too!  I know that sites like SoYou’reEnGAYged exist and are awesome, but sometimes I just want to look at pictures… so that’s what I’m hoping to do here.

When you are looking at (other people’s/stranger’s) wedding pictures, do you find yourself looking for people like you, and in what way?  What are your thoughts on this? I’m still trying to articulate it for myself, and I would love to hear what you think!

The Perfect Size

There have been a lot of posts about losing weight for your wedding, losing weight to fit into a dress, losing weight so you feel better.  You know, being a woman and losing weight. Or thinking about weight.  Or noticing other people’s weight.  Anyway, it all sucks and there actually is something that we can do about it; even if it doesn’t feel big, or like a huge, life-changing step, it does make a difference.  Watch this:

We can all not encourage weight loss just for weight loss.  We can try to aim for healthier, not smaller.  Roller derby has played a huge role in this idea for me: in roller derby, whatever size you are is a great size: if you’re big, you can be a big blocker, if you’re small, you can avoid other blockers and come out of nowhere; if you’re fast, you might make a great jammer, and  if you’re slower, maybe blocking is for you.  I think this is part of what appeals to me so deeply about roller derby: whoever you are, you’re the perfect size.  We need to hear more of that out in the world.

Awesome high fives

Today I logged on to show you pretty pictures and maybe say nice things about how great the first month of marriage has been.  But then I glanced at the part of the site where it tells me what search phrases brought people to my site, and I couldn’t resist telling you about it. Common searches that I notice on a regular basis are about bicycling, lesbians, or “roughing it”, often implying camping.  Usually I have a weird mish-mash of phrases, but today’s phrases made me really happy, and I felt the need to share:

• crushing flowers in our awesome high fives: if you are the person who searched for this, you are amazing, and also please tell me why you searched for this.  Internet, thanks for thinking that I have a blog that would respond well to this query.
• roller derby is not a hobby: well, yeah, but also it is (I hope) the only thing I am currently doing that I can describe as a hobby, since “being married” doesn’t really count, and “I write a wedding blog” sounds really lame after you’re married, and if I don’t call it a wedding blog then people want to know what I write about, and I don’t even know the answer to that right now. Search queries that end up here? Yeah, that sounds fascinating.
• either do it big or don’t do it at all: yeah! that’s what I’m saying! Also, this sounds like something Coach Kelly would say.
• i want to ride my bicycle, i want to ride it well: do it! Just do it and do it some more, and you will ride it well.  If you love it, do it in whatever way feels good for you – legally. By which I mean, stay off the sidewalk and stop at all the lights… but maybe if you’re nervous about the roads, stick to the bike path!  Yay you, anonymous internet searcher, for wanting it enough to search for it.

In other news, we have now been married for a month.  Happy monthiversary, Turtle!  There have been ups, there have been downs, and nothing is magically better or enormously different – but it’s different enough that it is so, so worth it.

We got a lot of awesome gifts for our wedding, but I want to show you one in particular that my mom got for us.  It’s a clock:

clock

notice anyone familiar?

Yeah, that’s us!  We got this beautiful custom clock that even has Daphne on it!  And the outfits we are wearing are the same ones from our engagement photos.  My mom came over last night and took some pictures of us with it to send to the artist:

daphne was not excited about participating in our photo shoot

Did you happen upon this site with some weird search phrase? Are you now famous because you wrote one of the phrases above?  Are you jealous of our awesome clock?

Please vote! And some gems on why we shouldn’t marry

Last night, we went to our favorite wine store for our favorite weekly wine tasting with two of our friends.  It’s worth noting, for the purposes of this story, that both friends are women, and they are married – to each other! Oh gosh, the things you are allowed to do in this day and age.

Anyway, not only was this week a slightly fancier wine-tasting than usual, but there were also local politicians who are running for office; it was a Meet the Candidate evening.  Okay, fine – I didn’t really want to chat too much, but I figured we could drink some wine and avoid the politics.  Oh how wrong I was.

After a few minutes there, a man in a nice shirt walked over with some brochures and roped us in.  We were wary at first, but eventually he declared himself “a liberal democrat, the last of a dying breed,” and brought up gay marriage and a couple of other issues we were interested in, with a perspective we agreed on.  He pointed out that this really is an important election, but also one that a lot of people don’t know much about, and so “the blanks win”.  He asked us to please spread the word about him, and honestly, after talking to him, I am happy to. Friend E smiled and said, “Well, you’ve got my vote.”  So if you’re considering not voting, or are not sure who to vote for for governor’s council, let me suggest Terry Kennedy.

Shortly after that conversation, another man came up to us and introduced himself.  I realized who he was and I really wanted some wine, so I just told him: “We’re voting for the other guy.” He sort of smiled, and then asked why, which I countered with, “How do you feel about gay marriage?”

There we were, two legally-in-Massachusetts-and-a-handful-of-other-states married lesbian couples, and he told us why we shouldn’t have the right.  Some gems include:

– “Well, I believe marriage is only for having and raising children.” He had no response to A & E’s assertion that they plan to have kids, or my response that we’re interested in providing foster care.

– “I’m divorced, and my girlfriend is divorced, and lots of gay couples are divorced now, too!” Um… thanks, I’m convinced.

– “Well, my girlfriend and I decided not to get married.”  He couldn’t think of what to say when I pointed out that he could make that choice.

– “Yeah, I think you should have all the tax benefits, absolutely, and of course you should be able to have hospital and jail visitation.  But that’s not marriage.”

Ugh. I think my favorite was, “Well, my girlfriend and I decided not to get married. We were both married before, had our kids, and don’t want more.”  Well, thanks, Mr. Politician.  Enjoy your privilege.

What’s the point of telling you this?  The point is: it turns out that the upcoming election really is important.  Please do some research, even just a little bit, and make sure to vote.

Some information on who the Human Rights Campaign endorses.

Get some more information about where you should vote.

Pride and bruises

I have two notable things to report:

First, today I came out to someone. Not a super big deal – I think I come out to people a lot, mostly in simple conversation (“oh, yeah, it was my partner’s idea, and I don’t disagree with her”; “my wife works at [university] and is pretty awesome”), or because it’s obvious to them that I’m gay*, or whatever it is. Anyway, as I’ve mentioned before, I work at an animal hospital and I see a lot of regular clients. I get to know some of them pretty well between all the phone calls, their visits, and small talk while waiting for procedures to be done. The funny thing is, though, that I don’t think they get to know me very well. I know that they do or don’t have kids, I generally know who their partner/spouse is, I know where they live and often what they do for a living. I petsit for a lot of them, so I even know what the insides of their houses look like… it’s a strange, distant, one-sided intimacy.

Anyway, today someone whose cats I have cared for multiple times came in. She must have noticed my rings, because all of a sudden she said, “Bird, did you get married?!” I told her I did, she was happy for me; she asked about whether I changed my name, and I said yes and explained the whole complicated hyphenated name moving over and still being hyphenated… and then she asked what my husband does.

Let’s rewind again for a minute. Remember how fascinated I was when I could suddenly hide the gender of the person I was in a relationship with? Quick review: it is fascinating to suddenly be able to use a gender-neutral word to completely accurately describe the person I am in a relationship with: fiancee. You spell it differently if it’s a woman, but you say it exactly the same way. And I talked way back when about how I loved that… and then Ms. Awesome said:

I actually LOVE the constant opportunities to come out that being engaged presents. The girl at Paper Source? the lady at Bloomingdales? my co-w0rkers? Distant family members? Yup. I’ve gotten to come out to all these lovelies and then some. In almost all cases there’s been a pause, a pronoun shift, and then our conversation has continued. Easy peasy. And such a simple way to be honest and open about our lives and start changing the “norm” for what being an engaged lady means!

And she’s right.  How do people know they know gay people unless we tell them?  So I took a deep breath and said, “Wife, actually,” and then I smiled at her and said, “She works in alum relations at [university].”

And here’s what else: it might not be okay.  Honestly, she looked surprised, possibly a little offended, and didn’t say much else to me.  Knowing what I do know about her (again, strange one-sided intimacy), I wouldn’t be surprised if she is unfriendly to me from now on, or at the very least does not ask me to petsit again.  Maybe I’m selling her short, but either way, you know what?  It doesn’t matter.  I was honest about who I was, and maybe it will change someone’s mind.  Maybe it won’t, but here’s to being honest, being open, and being proud of doing it.

 

 

a photo of truman to break up the monotony of all the words!

 

Okay, so that was a really long first thing.  Sorry.  Here’s the second thing:

Last night I put my damn skates on and I went to an open skate in Boston.  And, you guys! It turns out I didn’t forget how to skate!  I’m actually half decent!  By which I mean, I felt reasonably comfortable on skates, and I felt like I was skating much better at the end of the hour than I was at the beginning.**  So I guess I’ll do this thing.

Interesting tidbits: I heard one girl who is going to be trying out talking about a bruise she had, and how her neighbor asked her if she was okay, and she said, “Oh yeah, it’s just from derby!”  When I overheard this, my first thought was, Seriously? That’s not derby.  That’s just skating and falling down.

Hahaha. Hi Karma, nice to meet you.  In my last lap around the rink during an open skate, I tried to do something like speed up, and I have no idea what happened, but I fell, rolled over twice, and possibly hit my elbows with my wheels.  Point being: ridiculous fall.  Second point being: I have a ridiculous bruise on my hip/ass.  The size of a melon, you guys.  It’s impressive.  And you know what I’ll now have to tell anyone who asks? “It was from skating in a circle and falling down.” Because if I think other people should say it, then I’ll own up and say it too.  Or maybe it should just be okay for everyone to claim derby, as long as there were eight wheels involved.  Yeah, I pick that one.

So, who wants to see my bruise I got at derby last night?

*Seriously, I maintain that Gaydar exists. Not that it’s a sixth sense, but that people who are gay know how to pretty-accurately identify/recognize other people who are gay. It’s a survival/affirmation thing, in my opinion. Thoughts?

**I have yet to read a derby blog where I care about what specific things people are working on (“My crossovers were good at first, but so much better at the end! All I have to do is focus on pushing out with my left foot, rather than thinking about my right foot.”)  That said, those are the things I’m thinking about so if you actually want to hear about it, please tell me.  Otherwise, no gory foot-placement details.

Dear Past Miss Bird,

The past month of marriage has been awesome, but you knew it would be.  You’re pretty smart.  Here’s the thing, though: you don’t know everything, and you can’t prepare for everything. You’re doing a great job trying, but here are some lessons I’d like to share with you:

There will probably be drama.  It will probably not come from places you expect, and will come from places you don’t expect.  The point of this is not to say that you should be paranoid and always on the lookout for it, but that, really, you should stop worrying about it, because you can’t do anything about it.  Whatever the drama is, it has nothing to do with your wedding – it’s just a reason to bring up something that is already there.  It will not matter on your wedding day, so why worry about it now?

Identify the details that are really, really important to you, and make them happen. The rest of them just don’t matter, and they don’t have to be amazing.  You can spend the morning stamping table numbers two days before your wedding, and you will get compliments on them.  They’ll be cute, and everyone will notice the flowers more, anyway.

Good job picking vendors you loved.  Trust yourself on that one: if you don’t love them, move on.  It makes all the difference in the end. On that note: skip out on David’s Bridal, even if the dress looks pretty! The customer service will sour the whole thing.

Find the things you would be willing to let other people help with early, because people will appear to help, and they want to feel useful.  Take advantage of this; it’ll make them feel good, it’ll make you feel good.

EAT THE FOOD. Stop being nervous.  I know, easier said than done – but the food is GOOD. Eat it. (But only eat enough that you have room for pie afterward.)

 

Take advantage of every opportunity to be celebratory with people you love.  Again, they want to be involved, and you will be so happy you spent the time with them.

And, self? Even if you don’t do any of these things, it will be amazing.  I know you’ve read that on a hundred other websites and you’re thinking, “blah blah blah, I know, I know”… well, it’s true, and you don’t know.  But you will know.

With love,

Ms. Bird-Turtle

You either do it or you don’t

I started this blog 30 days before I didn’t make the final cut in roller derby. Writing was my backup, my safety, my “if I don’t make roller derby, I need something to really pour myself into, and writing and wedding planning will be it.” When I didn’t get drafted to a team (along with only 5 other people), I was absolutely heartbroken. Apparently I’ve blocked out much of the memory, but Turtle angrily recalls how hurt I was. I think this blog served me well, giving me something to do – and getting accepted to Weddingbee gave me more motivation to write regularly and keep it up.

At the time, I said that not playing derby for a year would give me time to plan my wedding, and then once I crashed, post-wedding, and started to feel antsy and like I needed *a thing* again, derby tryouts would roll around. And it’s that time, now. Now is when I should be going to skate clinics and wearing my ankle weights and committing to doing this things.

I’m surprised at how reluctant I am to get back on my skates (expensive, beautiful skates I used for a month). And I couldn’t really name why it felt so hard until I watched this:

If you don’t want to watch the whole thing, the part that hit me starts at 13 seconds.  She says, “I came into this thinking, like, oh yeah this is going to be fun, it’s going to be a hobby. But once you get into roller derby, you realize that it’s not a hobby, it’s a lifestyle.  And, um, you either do it or you don’t.”

Well, and that’s really the thing, you guys.  If I do it, I’m going to do it with everything I’ve got.  I’m going to be thinking about it all the time, walking sideways up and down stairs (good thing people didn’t see me on the stairs at work last season), answering the phone at work while doing squats (yeah, some clients probably wondered why the receptionist seemed out of breath when leaving confirmation messages).  And if I don’t make it, I will be heartbroken again.  It would be like doing this whole wedding blogging thing, and then finding out we’re not getting married two nights before the wedding.

derby practice, all padded and thirsty

The first time I stopped skating, I made the choice.  I couldn’t drive 3-6 hours for a 2 hour practice multiple times a week.  And when I broke up with roller derby, I had to spend a lot of time away from it; I didn’t go to games, I didn’t watch youtube videos (a previous addiction), I didn’t read the blogs.  And then stupid Ellen Page, who I already had a thing for, made that stupid movie that wasn’t even an accurate representation of the game. Though, admittedly, it’s not too far off… and also, it is what made me try out for BDD.  Skip right to the 1:53 mark:

If you missed it, she says, “I am in love with this.”  And that’s the thing, right?  I was in love with it.  And I will be again.  And if it’s just three months of skating with awesome people and getting my butt into shape… then that’s what it is.

Ugh, I guess I should go dig all my skate gear out of the basement and try coming up with a new name.