I started this blog 30 days before I didn’t make the final cut in roller derby. Writing was my backup, my safety, my “if I don’t make roller derby, I need something to really pour myself into, and writing and wedding planning will be it.” When I didn’t get drafted to a team (along with only 5 other people), I was absolutely heartbroken. Apparently I’ve blocked out much of the memory, but Turtle angrily recalls how hurt I was. I think this blog served me well, giving me something to do – and getting accepted to Weddingbee gave me more motivation to write regularly and keep it up.
At the time, I said that not playing derby for a year would give me time to plan my wedding, and then once I crashed, post-wedding, and started to feel antsy and like I needed *a thing* again, derby tryouts would roll around. And it’s that time, now. Now is when I should be going to skate clinics and wearing my ankle weights and committing to doing this things.
I’m surprised at how reluctant I am to get back on my skates (expensive, beautiful skates I used for a month). And I couldn’t really name why it felt so hard until I watched this:
If you don’t want to watch the whole thing, the part that hit me starts at 13 seconds. She says, “I came into this thinking, like, oh yeah this is going to be fun, it’s going to be a hobby. But once you get into roller derby, you realize that it’s not a hobby, it’s a lifestyle. And, um, you either do it or you don’t.”
Well, and that’s really the thing, you guys. If I do it, I’m going to do it with everything I’ve got. I’m going to be thinking about it all the time, walking sideways up and down stairs (good thing people didn’t see me on the stairs at work last season), answering the phone at work while doing squats (yeah, some clients probably wondered why the receptionist seemed out of breath when leaving confirmation messages). And if I don’t make it, I will be heartbroken again. It would be like doing this whole wedding blogging thing, and then finding out we’re not getting married two nights before the wedding.
The first time I stopped skating, I made the choice. I couldn’t drive 3-6 hours for a 2 hour practice multiple times a week. And when I broke up with roller derby, I had to spend a lot of time away from it; I didn’t go to games, I didn’t watch youtube videos (a previous addiction), I didn’t read the blogs. And then stupid Ellen Page, who I already had a thing for, made that stupid movie that wasn’t even an accurate representation of the game. Though, admittedly, it’s not too far off… and also, it is what made me try out for BDD. Skip right to the 1:53 mark:
If you missed it, she says, “I am in love with this.” And that’s the thing, right? I was in love with it. And I will be again. And if it’s just three months of skating with awesome people and getting my butt into shape… then that’s what it is.
Ugh, I guess I should go dig all my skate gear out of the basement and try coming up with a new name.