In Which Roughit Speaks Up

A few weeks ago, the affianced, my mother, and I went to David’s bridal so I could try on some dresses.  The experience is a story for another post, but what I will say is that both time we went – for her and for me – we crossed off “Groom” on the registration form and wrote in “Bride” or “Bride 2” or something like that.  Then we wrote both of our names, which I think are clearly female names, in the lines.

Since giving out my contact information to David’s Bridal, I have received at least one email every day with some terribly exciting offer.  Dress all your maids (apparently I need maids)!  Get the tux for the groom (and a groom?)!  Mostly they are impersonal mass emails and I don’t think much about it before deleting them.  Last night, however, I got this email:

“Dear Miranda,

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

My name is Maria Baumeister and I am a Health & Wellness Coach with Take Shape For Life.  As you have recently registered with David’s Bridal, you now have access to a variety of services and vendors.  Take Shape For Life and David’s Bridal Shops have recently joined together in an effort to help make your day even more special for you and all those involved.

There are many people who want to look their best for their wedding.  Not only the bride and the groom [emphasis mine], but wedding parties and parents as well.  Many people have expressed an interest in losing some weight “for the wedding”.  That is where Take Shape For Life comes in.””

Blah blah blah.  The email continued, but I was stuck on “not only the bride and groom.”  What about “not only brides and grooms” or “not only the two people getting married”?!  So here’s what I wrote back:

“Hi Robin –

I wanted to ask to be removed from the mailing list, but I also wanted to point out that there is no groom in my wedding, as clearly indicated on my registration form.  We are two women getting married to each other, and receive enough heteronormative messages in magazines and other advertisements – it’s frustrating to receive even more in my personal email.  Next time, please check before mentioning “brides and grooms”.  Please remove me from your list.

Thank you.”

I was frustrated and angry, and just pulled this out without too much thought.  I think usually that I put a lot of time into sending an email like this, crafting the right response and making sure it will read *just right* – but this I just typed and sent.  And look at the great response I got!

“Miranda,

Please except my sincere apologies – it was not meant to offend you in any way.  I do appreciate your e-mail because to be honest, I had not even thought of this before!  We are such a traditional country and traditional people, that we often forget about things that happen outside of the box, so to speak.

I have several clients who are in same-gender relationships so it was not a personal slight at all!

Again, please accept my apologies and I will make sure you are removed from the list.”

I feel much better. Would you have responded to an email like this?

Big strong girl

I got home from seeing my therapist today and decided to pretend that everything’s okay, because it was before, and it will be again.  I made a cup of tea, took a small dose of my new medicine, started a new playlist, and began cleaning what I felt like cleaning.  This is grounding.

This song came on just as I was telling a friend that I’m going to be okay, and I think that that is amazing.

Deb Talan – Big Strong Girl

it’s not now or never
it’s not black & it’s not white
anything worth anything
takes more than a few days
& a long, long night

don’t push so hard against the world
you can’t do it all alone
& if you could, would you really want to?
even though you’re a big strong girl,
come on, come on, lay it down
the best made plans
come on, come on, lay it down
are your open hands

rest your head
you’ve got two pillows to choose from
& a queen size bed
hold out for the moon
don’t expect connection anytime soon
feel the light caress your fingertips
you have just begun
the word has only left your lips
maybe in time, you will find
your arms are wrapped around the sun

don’t push so hard against the world, no, no
you can’t do it all alone
& if you could, would you really want to?
even though you’re a big strong girl,
come on, come on, lay it down
the best made plans
come on, come on, lay it down
are your open hands
are your open hands

In Which Rough-It Grapples with Feelings.

Several months ago, after over a year of having the regular “really hard week,” I decided to see a psychiatrist and start medication to get myself back from the “unhinged” place I felt I was spending most of my time.  Luckily, the first medication he prescribed worked pretty quickly – I went from feeling very fragile to feeling like myself again, and from there I felt more able to tackle the things that felt important in my life, and to really enjoy myself.  The house got cleaner, derby was exciting, I was able to take the dog for a walk and feel good about it, rather than being completely overwhelmed by the prospect.

About a month ago, I started getting these horrible headaches that I realized were from tensing my jaw.  Not clenching my teeth – just this constant muscle tension, whether I was awake or asleep, was causing constant headaches from the moment I woke up until I finally fell asleep. And then repeat the next day.  It turns out that this is a common side-effect of the drug I was taking, and now I am slowly weaning off of it.

It’s strange and interesting and scary to realize what a difference the low dose I was on made for me.  I’ve been decreasing and getting off of the meds for 5 days now and I’m feeling unsteady, unsure, and unhinged.  I KNOW that I can feel good, that I CAN feel like myself, and I’m trying to channel that.  I’m trying to focus on how good roller derby makes me feel, on the things that I have accomplished, and remind myself that this tight-rope walking I feel I’m doing in just getting out of bed is not who I am.

I’ve talked to a couple of people about this and realized, again, how much stigma there is around it.  I wish we could all talk about it a little more, and I’m trying to be someone who starts that.

In Which the Menagerie is Introduced.

Here is the barn: some sort of hound mix who can fly, a cat with a missing eye and a missing toe who can put himself in odd positions, and a beautifully unique colored cat who wants everyone else to just leave her alone until she demands attention.  Something of a misfit family 🙂

Can you tell I have today off from work and am putting off doing the things on my actual to-do list?

In Which Rough-It Begins.

When I worked at the rape crisis center and things started to wear on me, I began reading wedding blogs.

I suspect I am mildly ashamed of this because of how much I always insist that I am not ashamed of this, and how I always feel the need to preface “I read wedding blogs” with “I used to work at a rape crisis center.”  Sometimes I wonder if I would have stumbled across all the blogs I now read daily had it not been for hearing about/dealing with sexual assault on a regular basis, but either way, here we are.

There are a couple of reasons I finally decided to start this: first, that I keep reading about what other people are doing, and I want to chime in!  However, you can’t chime in on many of the websites I visit unless you are accepted, and you can only be accepted if you already have a blog, or something.  Second, I’m not even sure I like the idea of blogging, so here’s another adventure (and another thing to add to my to-do list!).  Third, I feel like I suddenly have all these things going on that I would like some feedback on, or that I have musings about, and this is as good a way as any to put them out there.  So here we go!

The internet has highlighted many wonderful things about weddings, but it has also highlighted some not-so-great things.  Pet peeve number 1 (thank you facebook): when people get married and change their names on facebook.  Not just their last names – that’s fine.  Of course it’s fine – a lot of people change their last name when they get married; this does not bother me.  What bothers me is when Mary Smith marries Joe Brown and changes her display name on facebook to Mary “Smith” Brown.  Mary, unless we are calling you “Smith” on a regular basis, it should be Mary Smith Brown.  There are at least 3 different friends of mine, all of whom were in my AP English classes in high school, who have their maiden names in quotations!  *wince*