Since finally being unemployed, a few things have cropped up, and mostly they are things in my head. I have referenced a couple of times that I’ve been dealing with major anxiety, which sort of snuck up on me and took over for no reason that made sense to my logical brain. The past couple of weeks have been a bit of a struggle; it’s been hard when it gets dark out, it’s been hard when the TV is on and when it’s off, it’s been hard when my wife kisses me or if she doesn’t kiss me.
Luckily, I have a kick-ass relationship with my awesome therapist, and she knows me well; she hooked me up with a doctor who could prescribe things that might make me feel better, and after exactly 18 days of nearly paralyzing anxiety, I am finally starting to feel clear-headed.
This is something that’s sort of tough to write about, but also really, really important to read about. I find strength every single day from reading Karen’s blog, Uncomfortably Honest and Honestly Uncomfortable: she is such a cool person and if she lived closer I would want to be friends with her, but also she deals with all this crap stuff all the time and talks about it in such a normal way. Plus! Heather Armstrong of Dooce routinely references the tough mental stuff she’s gone through – and all of this, I think reaches people who realize that it’s really okay to ask for help.
Again: It’s okay to ask for help.
So if posting has been a bit less entertaining than usual, it’s because real life has been a bit more challenging than usual. But it really is getting better. And along those lines, I want to thank Karen, for helping me realize that there is hope and that I am not the only person in the world who is dealing with this; I want to thank Ellen for sharing her experiences with anxiety, and how they’re over (i.e. There’s hope! There is an Other Side!); and I want to thank my wonderful wife.
Turtle and I have been married for four months today, and the last four months have been wonderful and challenging. For the last 18 days, I have been needing her support more than maybe I ever have before, and you know what? She’s there. She’s checking in with me, checking on my meds, making sure I don’t get into bed with all my clothes still on. She’s stretching her own limits and she is doing a damn good job.
When we say “in sickness and in health” (which, actually, I am not sure we did say), I picture someone in a hospital bed, or vomiting over the toilet, or needing a ride to a doctor’s appointment. I don’t picture the mental health aspect of it, but that’s it, too, you guys. In sickness and in health is checking in, saying, “How are you feeling today?” and just asking about moods and emotions. Funny, the things that we promise that we only learn the meaning of later.
And this, four months in.
So, to my readers: thanks for sticking it out, despite the foggy posts. Knowing you’re out there makes it worth all the trying.
And to my wife, as I said yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that: Thank you, in all the ways.