In Which Rough-It Grapples with Feelings.

Several months ago, after over a year of having the regular “really hard week,” I decided to see a psychiatrist and start medication to get myself back from the “unhinged” place I felt I was spending most of my time.  Luckily, the first medication he prescribed worked pretty quickly – I went from feeling very fragile to feeling like myself again, and from there I felt more able to tackle the things that felt important in my life, and to really enjoy myself.  The house got cleaner, derby was exciting, I was able to take the dog for a walk and feel good about it, rather than being completely overwhelmed by the prospect.

About a month ago, I started getting these horrible headaches that I realized were from tensing my jaw.  Not clenching my teeth – just this constant muscle tension, whether I was awake or asleep, was causing constant headaches from the moment I woke up until I finally fell asleep. And then repeat the next day.  It turns out that this is a common side-effect of the drug I was taking, and now I am slowly weaning off of it.

It’s strange and interesting and scary to realize what a difference the low dose I was on made for me.  I’ve been decreasing and getting off of the meds for 5 days now and I’m feeling unsteady, unsure, and unhinged.  I KNOW that I can feel good, that I CAN feel like myself, and I’m trying to channel that.  I’m trying to focus on how good roller derby makes me feel, on the things that I have accomplished, and remind myself that this tight-rope walking I feel I’m doing in just getting out of bed is not who I am.

I’ve talked to a couple of people about this and realized, again, how much stigma there is around it.  I wish we could all talk about it a little more, and I’m trying to be someone who starts that.

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3 Comments

Filed under Relationships

3 responses to “In Which Rough-It Grapples with Feelings.

  1. Ellie Leonardsmith

    Good for you for talking about it. It’s an issue both Kels and I feel is important, and I commend you on your bravery.

  2. I second, Ellie. Very brave.

    I think these big life things need to be discussed. We’re not just people planning weddings, we have so many other things going on (from the fun stuff like derby to the not so fun stuff like the feelings).

    I’ve never taken any medication, although sometimes I think I should, so I know any future posts regarding this would be good for someone like me who thinks about the stigma and is a little nervous to start talking about it.

  3. Pingback: Rock Bottom, and Coming Up for Air « Roughing It

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