Whittling Our Way to Our Weddings

Okay, folks, we’re 22 days into NaBloPoMo, and I am sort of exhausted.  On the other hand, I’m also proud! Look, I can write every day! I think this means I can go back to listing “writing” as one of my hobbies, which is something I just sort of forgot to stop saying after, you know, third grade.  I always liked the idea of writing, but look – now I actually do it!

Here’s the other part of it, though: it is a pretty neat goal to write something every day and to produce at least one post a day (and sometimes two when I hit “Publish” before I edit “schedule”, lucky you!), but it’s also not really worth writing something unless it’s something I care about writing about. Uh oh, you’re thinking, Now is when she says, “Wasn’t that a nice post? The end.” Well, don’t you worry your pretty little head! I am not wussing out.  And not only am I not wussing out, but I am also bringing you beautiful lesbian wedding pictures.  What could be better?

NFE & her partner A

I was recently talking to New Friend Ellen about weddings, gay and straight, and why it feels so important to see people like us represented.  This quickly evolved into a conversation about weddings in general, gay marriage, and how we, as queer women, feel represented in the wedding industry.  Answer? Not much.

But the other side of this is that it frees us up quite a bit.  When we don’t see people like us doing “what people are supposed to do,” it gives us the freedom to decide what we want to do.  Is this worth the trade of not being legally recognized in all but a handful of states? Um, no.  But let’s look on the bright side here.

One thing NFE said that struck me was this: that straight couples start out with a formula, a script for their weddings.  Step one, walk down aisle with father. Step two, meet husband-to-be at the front. Etcetera.  And you know that this is the script you start with, and then – if you’re lucky, if you realize that changing the script is an option – you take it and break it down, keep the parts you want and fiddle with the parts you don’t want.


But if you’re not a straight couple… well, where do you start?  Do you walk down the aisle together?  Is there even an aisle?  As a lesbian couple, we sort of get to start from scratch.  Instead of having a list of what should be done and having to whittle away to find what we wanted, we get to build something new; we take a piece from here, a piece from there, and create something that was still undeniably a wedding.  In being rejected by much of the Wedding Industrial Complex, we get to create our own path and our own vision.

Thanks, NFE, for the amazing pictures and the thought-provoking conversation.

What do you think of this idea, of creating from scratch vs. starting with a script?

*All photos by Kelly at Closed Circle Photo.



Filed under gay, Marriage/Wedding/Engagement

5 responses to “Whittling Our Way to Our Weddings

  1. Raffe

    I think that in building vs whittling, the former is decidedly more work. Whenever we are forced to build something without a script or a plan or picking and choosing elements, we are forced to think about what we are doing, why we are doing it. Personally, I think that this is neat! There are moments though, when I’m tired, where I sort of think, “Man, why can’t I just be a straight girly girl with long hair and love pink things and heels? Find husband, maybe job, have kids and quiet house in the suburbs, and spend my days wearing carefully scripted clothing while I go on walks sipping lattes with my neighboring suburban moms?”

    But then I remember that I get to have way more fun than that. And also that a lot of those suburban moms are probably more interesting than they let on.

    • You’re right, it IS more work, and I also appreciate that it is work. Sometimes I feel like; if we were a straight couple, it would have taken some pushing and some deliberation to consider what marriage means to us. Because we’re not, I feel like we HAD to think about those things.

  2. cmc

    I am thankful for my life experiences that will make it easier for me to start from scratch and have a (seems like “straight”) wedding that really feels like me. Hanging out (?) with a bunch-0-queers and having that envelope pushed and people more truly being themselves is inspiring! You’re inspiring!

  3. Starting from scratch sounds awesome. As someone planning a heterosexual wedding, we can’t exactly do this, but we are definitely changing up the script a bit. Adding what we want, subtracting that which has no meaning to us.

    I could imagine that starting from scratch is both liberating and daunting. It’s a big task, but it means that what evolves is something totally unique to the two of you.

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