Marriage from another perspective

I met Karen at the wedding of our awesome photographer, and I thought she was awesome, and I wanted to be friends with her. Remember in the first week of college how no one knew each other and you really could just walk up to someone and offer to be their friend, or ask them to be yours? Sort of awkward, but we were all in desperate need of friends. Now, in our 20s/30s, that is far more awkward than it is during your first week of college, so I just secretly hoped Karen would accept my Facebook friendship request.

Thanks for saying yes, Karen!

Since then, I’ve been reading Karen’s awesome blog, where she writes a lot about being a mom to her Cutest-Baby-I’ve-Ever-Seen-Except-For-Maybe-Alex.* Karen asks some really interesting questions and is an amazing writer, so if you’re looking for something good to read, baby-related or no, check her out.

Anyway, today is the ten year anniversary of her marriage to her awesome husband, and she wrote a wonderful post about it.

I’m trying to go into our marriage knowing that, at times, it will be really hard.  I am sure that at some point we will go to therapy together; I am sure at other points that we really won’t like each other very much.  I think that marriage is an agreement to do just that: it really is being there for all the “worse” parts, for all the “poorer” parts, for all the parts that if you were just dating someone you would probably just break up.  And I hope – I trust – that all of that is worth it.

On A Practical Wedding recently, somewhere in the comments someone was saying that she doesn’t think relationships should be work.  I’m relaying this from memory, so sorry if it’s not quite right.  She said that “work” was the wrong term for it, because the right relationship should come more easily.

Here’s what I think (and this is what’s right for me, and for us): the right relationship is worth the work.  It is work: it’s work to bring things up that neither of you really wants to talk about, it’s work to address personal flaws and agree to disagree, or to realize that you disagree about big things.  It’s work to recognize that you need a third party to help in a situation, and it’s work to deal with not just your person, but your person’s family and friends, because once you’re in, I think, you get the whole deal.  I think it is work, and sometimes that work is cleaning up vomit or unclogging the toilet or calling in sick for to an unforgiving boss for your partner.

Anyway, Karen has been married for ten years today, and she has good things to say about it.  Go read. Happy anniversary, Karen and Zeke!

*and, of course, any baby related to me. Dude, did you see my brother as a baby? ADORABLE.



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3 responses to “Marriage from another perspective

  1. Dude, thanks for making me feel like a rock star! And I like you, too.

  2. I so agree with you. I think relationships do take work but it really is worth it. I think if two people are willing to put forth the effort through it all thick and thin it will be rewarded with the couple growing ever closer together.

  3. I had a conversation with my aunt a few months back where she was telling me a friend of hers told her she had to work on her marriage. My aunt’s assumption was that she married the wrong man if she had to “work” at it.

    I totally disagree (but I bit my tongue that day). I don’t think any relationship is perfect and smooth sailing. Every relationship has ups and downs. If you aren’t working at a relationship, at least a little bit of the time, it’s going to be neglected. It’s going to be beat up. The two of you will drift apart. It’s easy not to flesh out your feelings with another person. But that’s how a marriage falls apart. The part that’s hard and requires work is making tough decisions together.

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