Tonight we were driving and all I could talk about was stupid stuff we have to do. We have to call the car insurance guy, we have to find songs for the wedding, we have to pay bills, we have to figure out how the hell we’re going to actually combine all our money, we have to practice signing our new last name… so many things! None of which can be accomplished in the car. And Turtle was like, “Why are we talking about this now instead of when we can do something about it?!”
And here’s the answer: because all these ideas are like funny little creatures just pinging around in my brain, leaping and flying and somersaulting around in my head, and I can never wrangle them still enough to deal with them when there’s actual time to do it. Stupid little Animal-thoughts. Calm the f down!
So the pinging Animal-thoughts are the reason I haven’t been here; somehow it seems luxurious to write about whatever I feel like writing about when I have ten million A-ts to deal with, not to mention the actual animals in my life who are always desperately needing something like a lap or someone with whom to run in circles. The beasts, they ask a lot of me.
In the meantime, here is what I have been thinking about: how marriage changes things.
Marriage, I think, throws you into the muck of things, when the muck is the other person’s family. When you’re dating someone, their family is on the other side of them – you are connected to them on one side, there they are in the middle, and their family is on the other side. You know their family; maybe you are even close to their family. But you are not a part of their family.
And obviously marriage changes that. I mean, duh, of course marriage changes that. But suddenly you are spending time with their family on your own. Suddenly when there’s a family fight, you are allowed to be there, and maybe it’s awkward and it’s probably uncomfortable, but you are a part of it.
Both of our families have family muck, muck that I won’t write about here; but what I’ve realized in the past few months is how in it we are, that the muck is a big part of what we’re signing up for. Hello, Muck, I’m Bird, and I am here for the long haul.
All kinds of wedding things have been happening recently: we are getting RSVPs, we have both of our wedding rings all shiny and engraved and in our possession, I have my suit (though I have yet to try it on) and just today bought a shirt to wear with it. Turtle is still dress-less, so we’ll see what happens with that.
Funny story, though: I just don’t care enough to write about it. I’m sorry? Maybe “I don’t care enough” is the wrong way to say it; maybe I’m just trying to survive these last three weeks of planning and the writing needs to be about something I can really invest in? I’m not sure. But this is what I am holding onto:
Three weeks from today, we will stand in front of our family and friends and declare ourselves family. In the meantime, we will wade through the muck, we will hold each other up, we will get each other to work and help each other fill out applications and take turns cleaning up Beast poop. And in three weeks and a day, well, we will be married, and we will be doing similar things, and hopefully we will still be riding the high that being surrounded by people who love you brings.
For now, I try to remind Turtle that I am grateful for all the muck-wading she is doing and that I am prepared for any muck-wading she needs from me; for now, I try to remember that the hair flower doesn’t matter, while balancing the idea that I really, really want a hair flower; for now, I am trying to be grateful for where I am, while I’m here.
I have no intriguing questions for the end of this post, but I do want to say that I’ve missed writing, and I miss all your responses to what I write. So say hello, if you have a minute, and tell me the things that you’re trying to hold onto, trying to savor, or can’t wait to be done with. Or both.